there are no ceilings where we are, i could be anywhere as long as i’m with you.

i cannot let go of you. and you’re moving on and it’s tearing me to pieces. i have someone, someone amazing but you are still there. i shouldn’t be bothered i should be happy, i should want you to be happy but i cant. there’s something still there, something that will never be erased.

you’ve made me love too hard. when i fall, i fall so deep. 

today was just any other day, but we talked. it was any ordinary conversation but in the back of my mind there were so many words i wish i could have said to you, and so many feelings i still wish i was confident i had. you and i is something i don’t think i will ever be able to understand, but maybe that is the beauty of it. you were my first for everything and maybe that is where this prolonging attachment is blossoming from, maybe my heart is confused with what my mind made happen. or maybe my mind is confused as to where my heart really is. i have found someone really great, someone who lights up my life and makes me smile and feel so blessed each and everyday BUT you, you, you, are always somewhere in the background, somewhere in my thoughts just jumping around. i think i am searching for those answers that will never be found…hm.

i never wanted to be your whole life- just your favorite part.

haven’t written in awhile, mainly cause i haven’t been sure about what to say. to look back at what has happened in my life has blown my mind. i can remember it all vividly and can think about it all in a good way, but in a very bad way as well. you know what they all say about your first love, the feelings, the emotions, the actions, the attachments that come along with it. when you are in love, that feeling consumes your everything. you feel invincible, and you feel like you two together are and always will be invincible. but in reality, that isn’t always true. what i thought i felt with you is a serious mystery to me. i think about you all the time, i think about us all the time, i think about all the memories i shared with you, all the years of my life you have stored in your heart. but what i can’t seem to figure out is where it all went. it all just disappeared in the blink of an eye, my feelings of invincibility with you disappeared, vanished into thin air. you were at one point my everything, i wanted to feel the warmth of your body constantly close to me, i wanted to feel your soft lips on mine, i wanted you to look at me the way you did and smile, i wanted you to just be you and i just wanted to love you. BUT how why when where did it all go away. this thought troubles me all the time. i have found someone new, yet you still cross my mind, our love still crosses my mind. is what i felt true, is what i feel now true, why do you always have a backseat in my mind. i think i need to relive what we had, i think i need to take notes, make charts, figure out what in the hell it was so i can know that what i feel right now isn’t going to end up like we did. i need to just know that love doesn’t always end, because my love began with you and there is no way in hell my love can end with you.

it’s really hard reading these posts.. i wish i could take back everything. your an amazing girl and you deserve the best of the best. I hope that our relationship can still give you inspiration to write.. I love you so much! 

- Papa Bear

i’m lonely. that’s all there is to describe what i am feeling. i’m happy, i have amazing friends and family but i still want someone to love and share my life with. i’m young blah blah blah i’ve heard it a million times but just because i’m young doesn’t mean that i can’t want love. there are countless amounts of guys out there but i just don’t feel anything for any of them. why can’t THE ONE just walk into to my life now. writing this is actually frustrating me….ha but i guess time will tell. i deserve someone amazing and i have no doubt in my mind that he isn’t amazing. and to him: i am ready for you to change my life.